A New Point Of View -- Anxiety
Madison is an old friend of mine who was kind enough to write a guest blog post for me. She is here to talk about her experience with anxiety. What a wonderful world we live in where people are willing to be vulnerable, despite the fear of judgment and misunderstanding, to allow others not to feel so alone.
It’s interesting to me when people believe that if a person works in the mental health field, they obviously have no struggles of their own. I work as a child/victim advocate in a social work position and I am here to say, this is false.
I have generalized anxiety disorder. I am confident that I have had anxiety since I was a child, but I just recently realized the extent of my anxiety if I do not take care of myself. Anxiety is extremely common in the world today, but it’s unique in each person that has it. Every person experiences it differently. Some experience their anxiety the most when surrounded by other people, which is often called Social Anxiety. Others experience frequent panic attacks associated to intense fear or worry. My anxiety thrives when I am alone, where my mind has the ability to wander without any interruptions.
I used to wish that my mind handled certain situations just like a “normal” person. I used to wish that I did not care so much about what other people thought of me or that I had to be liked by everyone. My mind will take a situation or comment and turn it into something bigger than it is, even though my heart knows that it is not something I should be worrying about. Even when I am being positive, I always have the worst case scenarios in the back of my mind and worry something will go wrong. I wish I could give you a number for the times I have screamed out, telling my mind to just leave me alone. The number of times I’ve stuck my head in my pillow and wrapped it tightly around my head. The number of times my whole body has starting shaking because I am so worried about something and I cannot get it to stop.
Writing this blog post is a huge stretch for me. I am not one to share my feelings, especially revolving my anxiety. I often keep to myself about all the things going on in my mind. Some people experience intense anger and yell due to their anxiety, but mine causes me to get quiet and closed off. I get scared to be vulnerable out of fear. The people close to me could explain how annoying it is when they ask me what is wrong and I say, “nothing.” I do not close them off to be difficult. Ninety-nine percent of the time, what I am thinking about has nothing to do with the person who asks. I say, “nothing,” because I have so many random worries in my head that I would not even know where to start on explaining “what’s wrong.” I also worry about putting my own problems on another person, so I stay quiet. With saying that, if someone says “nothing” to me, I am unable to think it’s nothing. I feel I did something to make them upset. It’s terrible how that works, right? It is not fair to the people around me, but it is out of my control.
Though I say I am not one to share my feelings, I absolutely love being around people. I quickly learned that my anxiety rises when I am by myself or not doing anything that requires much mind power. Once I realized this, I do what I can to stay busy and surround myself with people. Through this, I found my passion for working with children because it was one of the things that completely cleared my mind. I no longer would focus on my own thoughts and problems because I had children in front of me who deserved my undivided attention. I began to genuinely love learning because it got my brain focused on something specific, so I put my all into school. I found joy in being “the listener” and hearing the stories of my fellow peers. I found peace in connecting with other people. I cannot help but thank my anxiety for teaching me these things.
This has made me dependent on others, especially those who I know can get me out of my head. If I am with people all the time, I often forget that my anxiety exists, so you can understand why I can become dependent on those relationships. This got more prominent as I got older, when my brothers started leaving the house and my once large, loud family of six got much smaller. Regardless of whether my heart knows I can be so independent and strong on my own, I feel my anxiety overpower me when I lose connection with someone close to me. It brings on thoughts of what I could have done differently, though I am confident I wouldn’t have changed anything. It is as if I try to be so strong and put all my effort into bettering myself, but be convinced I can’t do it.
The last six months have been the most I have ever struggled with my anxiety. As I graduated college in December and started a full-time “adult life,” I spend more time alone now than I ever have in my 22 years. There is no worse feeling than going to the doctor because my whole body feels weak and my chest feels full, and she tells me that it is “just my anxiety saying hello.” I have also learned through these last six months so much about how to take care of myself and clear my head.
I go on a walk/run almost every day. I have even gone out in 25 degree weather because the nature and fresh air always gives me a new perspective on the day. I listen to music when I’m feeling down. I delete social media every once in a while so I can focus on myself, rather than spend time making comparisons online. I close my eyes and breathe when I feel overwhelmed. I go on the Internet and teach myself something new. I find someone to talk to when I cannot stop thinking, regardless of who it is. I make a list of things I am thankful for to be reminded that even when my mind convinces me life is so hard, I have been extremely blessed with what I have.
Advice for you if you have people close who are struggling with anxiety:
Be patient. If they have anxiety similar to mine, push them to talk about their thoughts for the day. You may hear a “no, I’m fine,” but push for it anyway. It may be the one thing helping them from hitting their breaking point (breaking points can also be very different depending on the person; I tend to cry). Reassure them that they are loved, cared for, and most importantly, that you are there for them. That may sound silly, but anxiety loves to convince us that we are alone with our thoughts. Don’t give up. I promise you that your love and acceptance means everything to someone who struggles with mental illness. Hug them (actually, that may just be for me… I’d ask “do you like hugs” before bombarding them with one, because I would feel bad if a slap was later involved). Last (and biggest) thing, don’t “feel bad for them.” Our mental health should empower us, even if it gives us hell sometimes. It only makes us stronger and we should love that we are able to share our experiences to help others.
I wish, more than anything, that every person struggling would know that you are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not broken. Getting help does not make you weak. Talking to someone is a sign of strength and hope for better days. You are strong. Our society has created such a large stigma on mental illness that it is overpowered by false stereotypes. Mental health awareness is so unbelievably important and we cannot make a change by avoiding the conversation. We are all human and we all deserve to be heard.
I am so passionate about this topic and I realize that I cannot connect with others to raise awareness if I am scared of sharing my own story. I am here to be a voice for change and I’m not afraid.
---
It’s interesting to me when people believe that if a person works in the mental health field, they obviously have no struggles of their own. I work as a child/victim advocate in a social work position and I am here to say, this is false.
I have generalized anxiety disorder. I am confident that I have had anxiety since I was a child, but I just recently realized the extent of my anxiety if I do not take care of myself. Anxiety is extremely common in the world today, but it’s unique in each person that has it. Every person experiences it differently. Some experience their anxiety the most when surrounded by other people, which is often called Social Anxiety. Others experience frequent panic attacks associated to intense fear or worry. My anxiety thrives when I am alone, where my mind has the ability to wander without any interruptions.
I used to wish that my mind handled certain situations just like a “normal” person. I used to wish that I did not care so much about what other people thought of me or that I had to be liked by everyone. My mind will take a situation or comment and turn it into something bigger than it is, even though my heart knows that it is not something I should be worrying about. Even when I am being positive, I always have the worst case scenarios in the back of my mind and worry something will go wrong. I wish I could give you a number for the times I have screamed out, telling my mind to just leave me alone. The number of times I’ve stuck my head in my pillow and wrapped it tightly around my head. The number of times my whole body has starting shaking because I am so worried about something and I cannot get it to stop.
Writing this blog post is a huge stretch for me. I am not one to share my feelings, especially revolving my anxiety. I often keep to myself about all the things going on in my mind. Some people experience intense anger and yell due to their anxiety, but mine causes me to get quiet and closed off. I get scared to be vulnerable out of fear. The people close to me could explain how annoying it is when they ask me what is wrong and I say, “nothing.” I do not close them off to be difficult. Ninety-nine percent of the time, what I am thinking about has nothing to do with the person who asks. I say, “nothing,” because I have so many random worries in my head that I would not even know where to start on explaining “what’s wrong.” I also worry about putting my own problems on another person, so I stay quiet. With saying that, if someone says “nothing” to me, I am unable to think it’s nothing. I feel I did something to make them upset. It’s terrible how that works, right? It is not fair to the people around me, but it is out of my control.
Though I say I am not one to share my feelings, I absolutely love being around people. I quickly learned that my anxiety rises when I am by myself or not doing anything that requires much mind power. Once I realized this, I do what I can to stay busy and surround myself with people. Through this, I found my passion for working with children because it was one of the things that completely cleared my mind. I no longer would focus on my own thoughts and problems because I had children in front of me who deserved my undivided attention. I began to genuinely love learning because it got my brain focused on something specific, so I put my all into school. I found joy in being “the listener” and hearing the stories of my fellow peers. I found peace in connecting with other people. I cannot help but thank my anxiety for teaching me these things.
This has made me dependent on others, especially those who I know can get me out of my head. If I am with people all the time, I often forget that my anxiety exists, so you can understand why I can become dependent on those relationships. This got more prominent as I got older, when my brothers started leaving the house and my once large, loud family of six got much smaller. Regardless of whether my heart knows I can be so independent and strong on my own, I feel my anxiety overpower me when I lose connection with someone close to me. It brings on thoughts of what I could have done differently, though I am confident I wouldn’t have changed anything. It is as if I try to be so strong and put all my effort into bettering myself, but be convinced I can’t do it.
The last six months have been the most I have ever struggled with my anxiety. As I graduated college in December and started a full-time “adult life,” I spend more time alone now than I ever have in my 22 years. There is no worse feeling than going to the doctor because my whole body feels weak and my chest feels full, and she tells me that it is “just my anxiety saying hello.” I have also learned through these last six months so much about how to take care of myself and clear my head.
I go on a walk/run almost every day. I have even gone out in 25 degree weather because the nature and fresh air always gives me a new perspective on the day. I listen to music when I’m feeling down. I delete social media every once in a while so I can focus on myself, rather than spend time making comparisons online. I close my eyes and breathe when I feel overwhelmed. I go on the Internet and teach myself something new. I find someone to talk to when I cannot stop thinking, regardless of who it is. I make a list of things I am thankful for to be reminded that even when my mind convinces me life is so hard, I have been extremely blessed with what I have.
Advice for you if you have people close who are struggling with anxiety:
Be patient. If they have anxiety similar to mine, push them to talk about their thoughts for the day. You may hear a “no, I’m fine,” but push for it anyway. It may be the one thing helping them from hitting their breaking point (breaking points can also be very different depending on the person; I tend to cry). Reassure them that they are loved, cared for, and most importantly, that you are there for them. That may sound silly, but anxiety loves to convince us that we are alone with our thoughts. Don’t give up. I promise you that your love and acceptance means everything to someone who struggles with mental illness. Hug them (actually, that may just be for me… I’d ask “do you like hugs” before bombarding them with one, because I would feel bad if a slap was later involved). Last (and biggest) thing, don’t “feel bad for them.” Our mental health should empower us, even if it gives us hell sometimes. It only makes us stronger and we should love that we are able to share our experiences to help others.
I wish, more than anything, that every person struggling would know that you are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not broken. Getting help does not make you weak. Talking to someone is a sign of strength and hope for better days. You are strong. Our society has created such a large stigma on mental illness that it is overpowered by false stereotypes. Mental health awareness is so unbelievably important and we cannot make a change by avoiding the conversation. We are all human and we all deserve to be heard.
I am so passionate about this topic and I realize that I cannot connect with others to raise awareness if I am scared of sharing my own story. I am here to be a voice for change and I’m not afraid.
Maddie Duncan
This was an amazing story. Almost everything applied for me, even the crying. Friends, and video games were alwaya the best way for me to have a better day. Thought would start to go wild when i am about to sleep or to wake up, in my loneliest times. Making it so much harder. But it still overcomed easily with friends. Thank you for sharing this amazing story. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing how it inspirited you. Maddie is a wonderful person with amazing insights, I am not surprised you were able to connect with her.
DeleteThank you for sharing, Maddie and Ellie! This project is a very brave and wonderful thing. I hope people read your words and grow in awareness and support for mental health and wellness.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Pete!
Delete